The Most Absurd Fictional Athletes of All Time

Any sports movie or TV show is going to have to have some outlandish personalities to make the plot and characters more interesting. If you’ve got a strong, crazy or interesting character you can raise the stakes and make anything more dramatic. But there are cases where the characters themselves are either so ridiculous or gotten themselves in such ridiculous situations that you almost forget theres even a game happening. Have a look at the most absurd athletes of all time!

Kenny Powers from Eastbound And Down

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Kenny Powers is a man who knows he’s gifted and makes no apologies for who he is or what he believes. The baseball pitcher’s appeal lies in that he’s reprehensible, but on some level people want to be him, or failing that, they want him to succeed so they can live vicariously through him.

Jean Girard from Talladega Nights

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Jean Girard, who was Ricky Bobby’s European rival in Talladega Nights, is a patently ridiculous man. Where Bobby’s spirit animal is a golden retriever carrying a checkered flag, Jean Girard’s spirit animal is a bichon frieze sipping an Orangina after out-culturing his opponents. How absurd is Girard? His dream is move to Stockholm to design a currency exclusively for cats and dogs.

Forrest Gump

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Of course the most absurd thing about Forrest Gump is that he somehow experienced almost every historically significant event of the 20th century, but Forrest Gump the athlete is almost as insane. How many lifetimes would you need to become the best college football player in the country, then become a world class ping pong player, then become the effective pioneer of long distance running?
Of course you’d have to do all this while starting a business that became a monopoly, become a war hero and be born mentally handicapped. Inconceivable!

Jesus Quintana from The Big Lebowski

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No apologies, No exceptions. If the Dude from The Big Lebowski is a paragon of abiding in the passing of time and generations while not missing the forest for the trees, Jesus Quintana is the spiritual antagonist that is very much in the present. When he bowls, he sees the ball and feels the ball. He is the ball and he’s ridiculous.

Happy Gilmore

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Happy Gilmore is a silly name to go with silly person. Given his anger problem, Happy Gilmore was an oxymoron for most of the movie and after making the mistake of attacking the Bob Barker, legendary host of the price is right he might just be a lovable regular moron as well. But from the big picture, Happy Gilmore is among the most absurd players with a heart of gold to play an already absurd game.

Ty Webb from Caddyshack

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While not the most absurd guy to play the game of golf, Ty Webb is certainly up there. “This next one is a pretty difficult shot, I better blindfold myself so I can achieve some kind of inner athletic zen but deprive me of my most important sense to play this game.” That’s like having a bloodhound wear nose suppressor while tracking an escaped con. The man is also replete with non-sequitors “The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.’” A silly guy with wisdom is the worst kind of silly guy. But then again he can drive very well which is more than what most golfers can do.

We hope you enjoyed this piece on silly athletes. We also have apparel from some of these movies. You’ll love our Caddyshack shirts, & Happy Gilmore shirts.

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The Warriors Fashion Round-Up

“The Warriors” is a classic. It’s one the most entertaining movies involving gangs ever made. Part of the genius of this visually striking movie is that it exploited the need for gangs to distinguish themselves from each other and establish a hierarchy. And how would you do that in a huge city where you’re one of a few hundred gangs? Why, through your style of course! Here we’ll take a look at the good, the bad and the ugly styles from the Warriors. Can you dig it!?

"I don't even know you're there, but if I did, I would ignore you."

“I don’t even know you’re there, but if I did, I would ignore you.”

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Old School Shirts: Cool Vintage Football Jerseys

The Fall season brings colder nights, shorter days and of course, the return of the One, True football season. As people prepare to tailgate and cheer on their team, it’s worth noting how far the game has come. The developments in speed and strategy are the most recognizable but the change in outerwear is just as dramatic. Here we present the coolest football jerseys from way back in the day. Enjoy!

Back then "Unnecessary Roughness" was called "Blatant Tomfoolery."

Back then “Unnecessary Roughness” was called “Blatant Tomfoolery.”

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DARPA Introduces Real Genius Laser Cannon!

Not Prepared For This

Not Prepared For This


Grab your popcorn and slap on some Tears for Fears because those merry pranksters at the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency are working with Lockheed Martin and the University of Notre Dame to develop “a new beam control turret…” to give 360-degree coverage for high-energy laser weapons. The ABC turret system is designed to allow high-energy lasers to engage enemy aircraft and missiles above, below and behind the aircraft. They did not say whether they encountered any pesky undergrads but they did affirm that the initial flight tests with the turret were successful.

Even after the pilots flew over the Great Lakes region of Michigan over 8 times, there have been no reports of anything being disintegrated from the sky or any impromptu popcorn parties.

If you want to know more about everyone wanting to rule the world, full press release from Lockheed Martin can be found here.

If you want to be properly attired for the coming Crossbow Project future, check out our Real Genius shirts!

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T-Shirts in the News: Conteeversy

T-Shirt News

This week saw quite a few controversial tee-related stories grab headlines around the web. So buckle up, it Slippers in the News time, Conteeversy edition. Continue reading

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T-shirts Through the Ages

T-shirts are everywhere. They’re practically all we wear. Though it didn’t used to be this way. Originally developed in the 1910s by the US Navy, the t-shirt has since exploded into the dominant piece of outer wear for almost 4 generations and counting. Here we present to you a brief chronicle of the development of the t-shirt and their designs through the ages. Enjoy!

We've come a long way.

We’ve come a long way.

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Secrets of Angry Baseball Manager Kung Fu

When you step onto the green after a grave injustice inflicted on your team by some evil umpire, you must ready yourself for battle. You must open your chakras, center your self and probably do some vocal warm up exercises. There will be yelling, pointing and gesticulating. We at Found Item Clothing never want to see you at a loss for words or actions when you step to that diamond. So we’ve compiled the best angry baseball manager techniques to shock and awe your enemies into submission.

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